Missing myself

So I have been out of it for a while now. Can't seem to find my Mojo or my Muse and I am frustrated.

My grandmother passed away on Sept 6th after a major stroke. It took her a week to drown because her pacemaker wouldn't shut off and she had a DNR. It was disturbing and horrifying.
I miss her.

We drove to Arkansas with my uncle to be with my mother who had been taking care of her for the past 9 years. I'm glad we went..... but.... I dunno. I haven't really cried. Should I be worried?
________

This weekend we are going out for my best friends 40th birthday. I am looking forward to seeing her, but am not sure I am looking forward to the crowds and such at The Cheescake Factory. I gotta get over it I suppose.
I'm probably just PMSing.
____________

I want to paint or draw or write and I can't because of my hand and shoulder. Stupid pinched nerves.....
Hope you all are well. If you are still around.... here's a little something funny.

SHE SPEAKS!!!!!

MY MUSE!!!! She is back after a long, long hiatus. I don't know if I will be posting anything for a while, but I will try and update on my progress.

I am excited about this new voice. I think it's going to be wonderful if I can manage to rein in my thoughts.

Wish me luck!!

Peace!

.....feelin sad.....

Today is a hot sunny day (for the moment). The perfect kind of day that Nemesis would've loved. She would lay out in the sun and show her belly to the world. They say that's a sign that they feel safe and loved. I always wondered how she could stand that heat on her. She would just get this little grin on her face like she was in heaven! It was the best thing in the world...

I would rub that belly all the time. She HATED it....lol.... she would make these squeeky noises to get me to stop and swat at my hands. She came into my life when Katrina did, along with her older sister Midnite. I only hoped that they would get to know me and like me. I didn't realize how much I would come to love them.

(MIDNITE - 20yrs old) (Callisto kitty -9 and Lana Mojo - 4)

They miss their sister. I miss her. I feel so sad....and hope we did the right thing by her.

Today is a sad Day....

Nemesis Jaymes Valentino..... 6/99 - 6/20/2009

Our sweet girl had to leave us today. Her liver just gave out on her. She had such an interesting personality. Loved catnip and playing with her brother bunny Ashton. They are together now playing.

Making the decision to let her go was probably one of the hardest things we've ever had to do. I loathe having to do it again soon.

She was loved alot and will be very sorely missed....

~~STRANGE~~

So, sometimes I have these really violent thought, visions, fantasies? I think about what I would do if someone broke into my home to terrorize and harm my family. I imagine myself disarming them and beating the living hell out of them.

I imagine every single detail. It comforts me somehow. Imagining how I would react. Hoping it's how I would react. I would want them to be in pain and to suffer for trying to hurt me and my family. I have no sympathy for people who do these sorts of things.

I should probably state, I am NOT a violent person by nature. Not even a little bit. I have a notoriously loooong fuse. But I do go bananas at the end of that fuse. For example...

When I was in elementary school, (I must have been 10 or 11). I would wait for my older brother after school on the benches. This kid, his name was Chris Huff. Yes, I still remember it. He would ride by on his bicycle and throw things at me. I never did anything about it, until this day.... I was waiting for my brother and sure enough here comes Chris. He throws a football right at my head. I just kick it out of my way, turn the other cheek and all. I'm a lover not a fighter ya know? He has the nerve to pick it up and come at me again! This time I pick up the ball and kick it WAY out into the P.E. field. This only pisses him off, because he apparently wants to fight me or something.

The third time I see him coming, I just can't take it anymore. I wait for just the right second and jump up and tackle him off his bike. "STOP throwing things at me!" I growled at him pinned beneath me.

He NEVER, EVER bothered me again. Not until High School when he asked me for a pen. It was pretty funny.

I just don't like conflict, but it sure feels nice to think about all those bullies whose asses I would kick. I am a sucker for the underdogs and the ones no one ever talks too.....

Now, where'd I put my cape?! YAR!! HAHA

It's been awhile....

I know, it's been terrible. I haven't been around much lately. We moved last week to a new apartment out of the "ghetto". It's been a HUGE adjustment for me. Agorophobes usually NEVER move, but I toughed it out and here I am getting settled.

We love the new place and so does Lana Mojo (the dog). One of our kitties turned yellow though so we are a bit concerned and treating her as best we can. I hope to get back to my creativity soon. Thanks for checking in!

Peace ya'll!

......Tragic.....

The light began to fade as she felt his hands tighten around her neck. She could hear herself begging him to let her live. Her son cried in the other room, giving her strength to hold on. One more second, one more minute...please let me live....she begged. Let me check on the baby please....

Her voice was faint, blood choking her throat. Her nose broken she couldn't breathe. He picked her up and locked her in the bathroom. "Clean your face, i don't want you scaring the baby."

She pulled herself to her feet. Tried to stop the bleeding, her jaw distorted in the mirror. "I have to go to the hospital." He told her to deal with it.

Desperate not to die she told him that if he didn't take her to the hospital he was going to jail for murder. She said she would tell them that she "fell". He made her promise as he drove her to the hospital and shoved her out of the car at the emergency room door. She told the nurse that she fell. The nurse called, bullshit and notified the police.

The police came and arrested him in his car in the parking lot. He cried like a fucking bitch not to take him to jail. Meanwhile, she was trying to stay alive. Her mother rushing to the hospital to see her broken daughter. Stitches, bruising around her throat, broken ribs, broken jaw, missing teeth. Her beautiful face destroyed because of him.

I can't help but feel anger. I can't help thinking about what would be different if she had a decent father growing up. If she didn't need their approval. If she didn't feel like she deserved this, somehow. I am baffled as she struggles still. Trying to find her way. Trying to make a life for herself. To get her children back. My heart is broken for her and I don't know what to do.

She is stronger than she knows, she is loved more than she can imagine. She does not love herself. She doesn't know how. She knows how to get what she needs from them, and still the pain never really fades. She is an empty body, her spirit broken and defiled....

Where oh Where has my little brain gone?

I missed St. Patty's day totally. My mom came into town, to take care of her dearest friend who had a double mastectomy. She's such a trooper and is doing so well. We are trying to get out of this dreary place we live. So much going on in my head.

i have been trying to catch up with my blog friends and can't seem to get it together.

My mom is soo funny, we went out for ice cream and the girl behind the counter didn't believe that we were mother and daughter. She thought we were just friends. My mom is going to be 60 this year. She sure got a kick out of that!

I had a great day with my niece and nephew at the park. They were so much fun. It's a little chaotic around here, I hope to get creative soon.

I am venting right now....

This is what it says about HIM on his Myspace page......:

About me:I live my life with pride n respect. Its str8 up all bout the golden rule for damn sure. Im a single dad with 2 of the most beautiful n greatest kids n the world. I keep it 100% real 24/7 n if u cant keep it 100 too then u on the wrong page. But for those of u who can...much luv n respect n welcome to my page.

It makes me gag. It makes me want to choke the life out of him. I am not a violent person. I am not a hateful or evil person. This guy is EVERYTHING that I hate. He is pure evil and he doesn't deserve the freedom he has. This is the man who demoralized my sister so deeply that she felt that she deserved to be beaten nearly to death. He played every one of her insecurities and convinced her she was worthless. She was forced to runaway. when she finally got the courage to do so, he convinced her to come back, that he'd changed. When she sent the police away, he broke her jaw, and her nose, and proceeded to choke her. Their young son was in the other room listening to the horror.

He's an animal, and my sister for some reason dropped the charges on him. She let him live. She let him continue to breathe and suck the life out of everyone around him. she finally left the state. She had to leave her son. She had nothing. He continues to act as if HE is the motherfuckin victim. He refuses to let my family see my nephew. He threatens to get a restraining order against my mother if she sends letters or cards to her GRANDSON!

He is such a piece of fuckin shit!! I am soo angry. I don't know what to do with the anger. It eats away at my spirit. I want him to suffer the way that he makes everyone else suffer. I worry about my sweet nephew who is subject to his fathers mood swings. I don't know what to do. There's really nothing I can do. I can scream and yell and vent. I can be upset, but it doesn't get me anywhere and it doesn't hurt anyone but me.

Where do you put this kind of thing? How do you compartmentalize it? I know I will never get past this. Sometimes it leaves me alone and then days like today when my mom calls me and tells me that she sent her grandson a valentine (because she loves him), she gets threatened with a restraining order. UGH! It's soo frustrating and annoying and I wish I could just cuss his ass out, but it would just be worse for my sister. He would take it out on her.

My only hope is that my sister gets her shit together and gets he son back. Then finally sends his pussy ass to jail.

I'm sorry for so much cussin but sometimes it just feels right...

Thanks ya'll!

Misc Doodles I forgot to post...

Stuff that comes out of my head...

Coloring with my sister....

The top one is my sisters and the bottom one is mine. We had a nice time doodling together. She's so talented. I wish she was well.......

Enjoy!

Fear and Self-loathing in S.FLA!

The panic monster attacks without warning, and with no remorse. He climbs into my head and devours any self-esteem I've managed to grasp onto. He pokes and prods all my issues until I can't ignore them. He squeezes and tears and rips apart my soul. He makes me cry, and doubt myself. He thinks he can win.

He will never win, I won't let him. I find ways to fight back. It's hard, but I fight. It hurts, but I fight. My friends bring shields and fight the monster with me. I feel ashamed that they even have to, but they understand. They love me no matter what.

I am loved, I am blessed, I will persevere!

Colorful Rambles

Too big for me to scan, 16X20 art board markers, watercolor crayons and pencil....fun fun!

Ashamed to Admit........

This CRACKS ME UP!!!

Random inspirations.....

I remember looking out my window as the storm pounded the roof. I remember thinking that the rain used to hold such promise for me. A promise of hope, of new beginnings and fresh starts. I watched as the water lashed at my windows and saw headlights turn the corner and slow.

My heart fluttered in my chest when the car pulled into my driveway. My hands were shaking, and it seemed the rest of me was paralyzed. The car door opened to reveal her, the one person I could always count on.

Blondish brown hair hung in her eyes. I watched her stand beside her car, waiting...for me. She wore a pair of red converse, black slacks, with a white button down shirt. Somehow she didn't notice the rain that drenched her. She just stood there smiling, knowing I had seen her through my window.

I rushed outside to greet her.

Only then did she move towards me.

"It's storming." She said. "I'm wearing my best shoes." Her quirky smile nearly made me melt.

I looked down at myself and gestured, "I am NOT wearing my best shoes." I turned and ran back into the house, put on my purple converse and ran back outside.

"That's better." She grinned and took my hand. "Let's dance."

I flung my arms around her neck and pulled her to me. "I will dance with you anytime, anywhere. With my best shoes on unashamed."

I didn't care if the neighbors were watching, it didn't matter if the world could see us. All that mattered was that she was there as she always promised. The music played as we laughed and danced......

Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick!
The one that makes me scream she said,
the one that makes me laugh she said,
and threw her arms around my neck.....

---The Cure